At the crossroads once again

Once again I'm at the all too familiar crossroad once again... where to go from here? The past 4 years I feel like I've been going around the same block and stopping at that same intersection. I don't seem to learn from it, a few months after I go back and join the rat race once again, where in my heart I know I will never belong... Truth be told, I know it's time, because I feel the ball and chain weigh me down everyday, five days a week as if I was being sentenced to jail. I swore to myself once before that once it comes to a point like this it's time to stop. I never believed work is something worth losing yourself over, it just takes so much more to bring back whatever it chips off you, it's just not worth it. In reality I just wish I would have the courage to try all of it out and bear the risks that come with it, hoping in the end that I could say I found it and it was worth it. Try everything, events planner, fashion buyer, merchandiser, entrepreneur, consultant, stylist, etc..Maybe this is my chance. I should make the most of it, hopefully never to return to the rat race.

Setting my mind on it

Don't you just hate how you make a decision, set your mind on it, then a day later something happens or someone does something that makes you doubt your decision... not really because you think the decision is wrong, but whether or not you'll see it through... most days I seem to change my mind... and I hate it how i can't seem to stick with it... how I wish I could just be firm and see it through the end no matter how painful or difficult. I'd like to think I make decisions when I'm logical but emotions just get in the way of achieving it... i just hate how I'd go back and forth until I'm left with no choice and be forced to deal with it when it's the most painful... so today i'm hoping I'll stick with my resolution

perfectly clear

He's just not that into you... perfectly clear...you're the rule, not the exception...

IMY

Sometimes I still miss your presence... you know how sometimes you just need someone to be there for the small things, those things that you actually forget in a day or two, the things you probably dont tell others because it's not that significant anyway, I miss you for that, for being there for the big and small things. The one where you feel like you just turn to your side and find comfort that they're there anytime... I still miss that...

"It's not hard to die when you know you have lived your life"

"It's not hard to die when you know you have lived your life"- desperate housewives

Something that really made me think... well in my view I feel like I haven't been living it up like I should... I dont mean partying and living on the edge, maybe just learning more...I think I should just be more pro-active... like set a certain number of activities per year... I just feel like if I died in the next few years, I would say, sayang I didnt get to do this and that because I was too focused on the future. Like I want to learn to be able to live on my own, drive anywhere, take a culinary course, a fashion course... I don't think I'm making progress. I dont want to die not accomplishing things that I set out to do... I should take steps to accomplish these...

Do I even matter?

You know what hurts the most, you make me wonder if in your world I even exist. Do I even matter? Because it seems as though everyone else matters except me, It always feels like I'm the negligible one... No matter how hard I try, I never seem to be good enough to catch your fancy... Am I really that horrible? It feels as though I'm pretty visible to everyone except you... Funny how ironic that seems. You feel like an addiction so hard to give up because it's just so easy to love you without you even trying...

I wish I never

I wish I can just take things back so I never had to meet you. You just seem so full of contradictions that I find it  hard to read you. Sometimes I wish you would just stop being so nice, always being there, being so confusing in short... just so there would be no reason... Those things don't mean anything anyway... I wish I could take it all back...

It's good to be back...

Call me crazy and emotional for posting so many entries in a day, but this blog is really really liberating for me. You know how congested facebook is today, posting an entry there feels like posting your thoughts in tabloids, where each theory is bound to take a life of its own. I just don't feel that it's necessarily the right place to post your blogs with your inner most thoughts, it somehow loses the sanctity of the entry. I think it's a good place to reconnect and share light conversations, to supplement connections, to share fun things, but it's not the place to strengthen foundational relationships, those that reveal the most vulnerable part of our being... Well it's good to be back here.

Lesson learned?

Looking back at the lessons learned I now wonder, have I really learned anything? It seems as though history is repeating itself, the time in between led me to believe I have, that had it have to happen again I would know what to do, but it seems otherwise. Once again you hope, but still left with that big doubt at the back of my head, well aware how this will end. So why don't we just cut to the chase and give up? You know how we sometimes nurture that little speck of hope? we grow it until it spins into this big fictional idea all together defeating that big mass of doubt. Then again it is not built on reason, so as soon as reality sets in this towering pile of fictional tale comes crashing down... With that conclusion, maybe it is better to nip things in the bud and just kill out hope all together...

Murphy's law in action

ugh.... this is a really really really bad weekend!!!!!! murphy's law really applies...  I don't even know where to start and end about how things are getting worse lately... everything just seems to be going wrong... I'm starting to wonder if it's just the way i see things or  if like negative energy attracts more negative energy... I swear this all seems so familiar... just like 3 years ago...how do you stop murphy's law anyway? I swear i just want it to stop... please...

I'm alive again!

I haven't posted here in like forever!! It's amusing to read my old entries! I should start writing here more often! I promise to revive this site! I should probably add in more pictures too! I realized pictures make an entry a lot more enticing...

I feel like I'm on dope today! Extra jovial and upbeat! My day was basically composed of coffee runs,lunch break, tsismis, shopping... I got my nude pumps today! I'm still lusting for the one at forever 21 though... boo that it already ran out and the only ones remaining were on the mannequin (and they refused to take it off the mannequin! boooooo! I know lifting that disassembling that almost-perfect-waif-like-figure is difficult but for P1600 that's not bad at all).... I'm just crazy over that nude/ gray/ beige/ apricot/ ivory color right now. I seem to be buying tops, skirts, shoes, nail polish in that color, I can see a gray bag in the near future though. It's my next "To hunt for" item.

I've been trying to revive my social life lately as well... My goal is to make the most out of Saturdays (my favorite day)! though I also count sleeping as productive, I should prolly start aiming for something more productive, like a class.

Quarter life crisis the nth series

I was leaving some comments on ray's fb site a while ago about career stuff... I also got to talk to elea for a while... Well one thing's for sure I know that i'm definitely confused, still stuck at the quarter life crisis mode, trying to figure out what I really want to do... It's not that I don't have an idea of what I want to do, its just that I have so many ideas (yes, a big day dreamer here) ... You know at some point you kind of feel that, why can't I try this out, I'll only live once (i'm kind of the try-everything-out kind of person...) Why have just one, when you can have all of them right?! ... but well apparently it's not how the world goes... you have to choose which path you want to take... I'm kind of envious of people who happen to stumble into the thing that they would want-to-be-doing-for-the-rest-of their-lives at their first job... It makes me wonder, let's say 20 years from now, would I still have what ifs, like what if I tried this one out and became yada yada yada... that's the worst feeling in the world right?! haha I sound like a little kid day dreaming right?! sometimes I feel like a 6 year old kid stuck at disneyland, day dreaming... (okay going off track now... get back to the main point)

Well I guess I've been reminded that instead of relying on my own, I think I have to go back and get more guidance in life because obviously I'm confused... and obviously confused is just not working out for me... and I just feel a bit disappointed with myself, that it feels like I've spent a year of my life just lulling away without really knowing where I would go... I mean I'm young, I could've used the year to do something more productive... I'd like to think I'm an all or nothing person (just not great with the in betweens)... and now feels closer to the nothing... I just think I'm ready for something more, something new... I want a big change...

I think I'm done weeding people out of my life already, I've already got the balance, time to get back on the train... the only question is, which train? but I'll figure that one out... hopefully I'll get my answer soon...

Wake me up when it's over...

I feel like my spirit has given up... tipong i don't really care... its like people tell me good news and i just give a fake answer just to pretend that i can feel their excitement too... or just say "ah talaga?" even when I don't feel like saying anything at all... well I think it's obvious rin naman, it's not like I'm a good liar you know... well on the other hand, it's not like i can just look at them and shrug and say "ah talaga? I don't really care" I actually don't feel like talking to people these days... ym and emails are enough... somehow talking and pretending to be happy as always seems too much effort these days... para akong on drugs kasi i feel like i've lost the capacity to be happy or angry... I just feel NOTHING... You might as well leave me sleeping in bed the entire day or staring in outerspace... so shouldn't this be bliss that I feel nothing? Well it would be if I'm really that type of person who just doesnt care... Something just ate me up to the point that I've just given up... I just want to hibernate and wake up when the feeling is over... hey it doesnt make sense waking up if I'm just gonna sit and stare and pretend right?

Just 1....

It's kinda weird, I feel like I'm not really doing a lot in life but somehow like my head feels messy in a way that I want to remove myself from where I am right now to be able to see things clearly.... Weird... I think I kind of really want to do more things right now I mean with life in general... I mean it doesn't help that I'm stuck at home most of the time... I know it's of my own doing anyway... I'm more like a hermit these days, apart from work i don't really go out and do stuff... I really just want to do a lot of things really that I have been putting off for quite some time but somehow I just have a hard time committing like a schedule for those stuff... ok it's my own fault... okay I promise myself I have to do at least 1 before the year ends... just 1 abby... you can commit to 1... culinary or pastry or bag making or continue french or running... 1 before the year ends...

I witnessed a miracle!

I just really needed to share this, kasi pagpasok ko ng kwarto I saw how organized all my accessories were.... as in I even called my sister into our room to show her "the miracle" normally it would be overflowing out of its containers already! haha My aunt kasi who has cancer didn't want to stay at home so she came over and brought yung parang nurse niya to fix stuff in our house nalang... I super love her nurse kasi OCness! even all my bangles were arranged! look:

Oo na ang babaw ng kaligayahan ko! haha pero basta natuwa lang talaga ako... and she also made some ginataan which I also love!!!! last week naman she made leche flan! (which stacy happened to really love, as in Uncle Dong was trying to stop her from eating a lot, tapos sinumbong niya tuloy sa mommy niya na her daddy doesn't want to let her eat daw... hahaha funny kid!)

Nakakatuwa kasi bigla akong nadisconnect from the wifi at home, tapos i asked my brother, o nadisconnect ba kayo?? sabi niya hindi naman so I checked my connection, and guess what?! nakaconnect pala kasi ako sa ibang wifi! hindi pala yun yung amin kaya pala nawala! hahahaha

Anyway as I was looking through yung pictures ko, kasi ipopost ko nga 'to nakita ko yung pictures ko a year ago na nagsusukat ng damit at nainspire ako kasi ang payat ko pa dun! ipopost ko na yun sa harap ng pc ko parati! haha para hindi na ako kakain parati!